Caleb Kaltenbach (M.A. '07) is an alumnus of Biola's Talbot School of Theology, atomic number 82 pastor of a big church in Simi Valley, Calif., and a married begetter of ii. He'southward as well an emerging vocalism in the discussion of how Christians should engage the LGBT community. That's because Kaltenbach has an insider perspective, having been raised past a dad and mom who divorced and independently came out of the cupboard every bit a gay man and a lesbian. Raised in the midst of LGBT parties and pride parades, Kaltenbach became a Christian and a pastor as a young adult. Today, he manages the tension of holding to the traditional biblical didactics on sexuality while loving his gay parents.

Kaltenbach'due south unique story is detailed in his new book Messy Grace: How a Pastor with Gay Parents Learned to Love Others Without Sacrificing Conviction and landed him on the front page of the New York Times in June. Biola Magazine reached out to him to talk about his book and his perspective on how Christians tin can better navigate the complexities of this event with truth and grace.

In your book you say that it's time for Christians to own the issue of homosexuality. What practice y'all hateful by this? How would yous like to see this play out?

Christians tin can ain this upshot past caring enough to get to know the whole person. If you call up that identifying as LGBT is mainly nearly sex — that's shallow. The theology of "whom nosotros have sex activity with" might be blackness and white, but the person and related experiences aren't. Once my mom told me that she and her partner hadn't been intimate in years. I asked why she still called herself a lesbian. Her response was that she had a community filled with friends, credence, a cause and deep feelings. Information technology reminded me that people take depth. Care enough about a person non to reduce them to their sexual orientation. If someone who is LGBT says that it's not mainly near sex, why immediately throw the "homosexuality verses" their manner? Talk near holy living down the road. Perhaps Christians can ain this consequence by being kind and making a new friend.

Yous challenge Christians to stop fugitive or but "tolerating" LGBT people, but to engage in meaningful relationships with them. What should that expect like?

The more Christians cease treating people in the LGBT community as "evangelistic projects" or "those people," the more than meaningful relationships will develop. Here'due south the secret to appoint in meaningful relationships with anyone: Treat people similar actual people. Embrace the tension by developing friendships over meals, coffee and more. Engage in conversations. Try to understand who they are as a person (experiences, hopes, dreams, fears, etc.). Don't seek to "ready" anyone, but point to Christ. Here'south a difficult truth I came to learn over the years: It'south never been my job to modify someone's sexual attraction. God didn't call me to "restore" LGBT people to a directly orientation. It's not even my job to change lives. It'southward God's job. He has great feel in the "life change department." My responsibility is to dear people, make friends and journey with them.

Y'all write that ane definition of love is belongings the tension of grace and truth. What do yous mean by this and who practise you remember models this sort of love well?

The uncomfortable feeling in the tension of grace and truth is honey. and God equally well. Yet, beloved never harms. A theological conviction should never be a catalyst to treat someone poorly. We tin can accept the person without approval of their pick to be in (or pursue) a same-sex relationship. Love people, but remember what the Bible teaches. Deepen your relationships, but hold firm to conviction. Never give up on the person or Scripture. Love never takes sides. Love has no exception clause. I see this beloved lived out by some parents of gay teenagers. These parents dearest their kids no matter what and nothing about their relationship changes. They thank the teen for trusting them with this part of their life. At the same time, they hold true to what Scripture says not only nigh sexuality, just also most loving others.

What happens if our "dear" is non accepted at all because nosotros notwithstanding agree to truth? What would you lot say to an LGBT person who argues that "credence only not approval" is not actually love? Isn't that the direction society is moving, that anything brusk of full blessing is actually discrimination?

To the LGBT person: Be careful taking a hardline opinion on something that isn't your foundational identity. Your main identity shouldn't be divers by your sexual orientation; rather God should define it. People are entitled to their beliefs. Many examined Scripture, believe that sexual intimacy is for a man and adult female in spousal relationship, and aren't homophobic or hateful. If these people are loved ones (being loving towards you) why shut them out? Don't distance yourself considering they don't agree with y'all or the kind of relationship you might have. Don't treat others who disagree with y'all the way you wouldn't like to be treated. They might exist intolerant in your mind for not agreeing with you. Notwithstanding, are they treating you poorly? Do they love yous less? Do they not value you lot anymore? Don't get intolerant by not giving them margin to have different views.

How should and how shouldn't Christians reply if someone in their life or church community confides in them about same sex activity attraction?

Christians brand also many mistakes when someone comes out to them. They try to advise counseling. At some point, they will throw out Bible verses apropos homosexuality or marriage. Some Christians attempt to "relate" and often compare same-sex activity attraction to other sins like murder, theft, etc. Emotions like low and anger will usually set up in. Unfortunately, these are all the wrong things to do. Anybody needs counseling, the person coming out probably knows how yous interpret the Bible regarding sexuality, and they don't desire to exist compared to Hannibal Lecter or Gordon Gekko. This is a moment to listen and assert your love for them. Think of it this fashion: The people coming out to you have chosen to share a very intimate and personal function of their life because y'all are someone they value. You can never become this moment back, and responding the incorrect style is devastating.

How should a Christian respond if invited to a same-sexual activity wedlock anniversary? Is attending a gay wedding a tacit affidavit of the sacredness of the vows beingness exchanged?

Attending may put you in a difficult position as one who believes union is for a human being and woman. Notwithstanding, y'all'll accept influence in your relationship with the married person. Fear shouldn't keep you from a situation where others disagree with you. There might be a chance to share your organized religion with others at the nuptials. Later, when the newlywed has a flavor of doubt or turmoil, y'all might be the person they turn to (giving you the chance to share Jesus). But there are also reasons why yous may non desire to attend. Hurt feelings may result, but God created spousal relationship for him and the couple. You need to stand for truth, and this might exist one of those times. In the cease, the couple might recognize and remember your integrity. Either option could bear relational difficulty, doctrinal tension or emotional luggage. My communication: Pray almost it and represent Jesus well with your conclusion.

If celibacy is the simply option for a same-sex-attracted Christian who wants to remain biblically faithful (y'all argue this in the book), what can the church practise to meliorate minister to these people? Can we only casually tell them "no sex for you!" and leave it at that?

Some argue the Bible doesn't accost same-sex loving monogamous relationships, and then it's fine. However, all passages dealing with homosexuality agree that same-sex intimacy isn't God's design — monogamous or not. Sexual intimacy is from God for a homo and woman in the covenant of marriage. Exterior of marriage, there shouldn't exist any expression of sexuality. Our sex-obsessed civilization makes celibacy out to be cruel, when information technology'south a blessing. At that place's more focus on God, freedom in life, acknowledgement of allure while still holding to biblical convictions. Intimacy isn't just sexual; it is besides experienced through lifelong friendships, supporting causes and family unit. The church must create an temper of relational opportunities for single people. For instance, if a single person is sick, hospitalized, or needs help — the church should support them through small groups, funds and other means. Celibacy is a sacrifice for Jesus, and the church needs to prepare for that sacrifice.

What are some means local churches can better minister to the LGBT community?

Allow people to "belong earlier they believe." If you lot're going to enquire people not to identify with the LGBT community, you'd amend have another customs gear up for them! Requite people margin for God to work in their lives. Healing and spiritual heart surgery takes time. Assist people to feel safe about albeit struggle without fear of backlash. Create an environment where it's OK for teenagers to ask questions and be accurate. Train youth leaders to listen and ask the right questions. Create back up for parents of gay teenagers. Spend fourth dimension with LGBT people outside and within your church building (they are there). Listen, ask questions and learn. Don't allow church policies to hinder needed conversations.

Caleb Kaltenbach (M.A. '07) is the atomic number 82 pastor at Discovery Church in Simi Valley, Calif., and the author of Messy Grace: How a Pastor with Gay Parents Learned to Dear Others Without Sacrificing Confidence.